Matters Of The Heart

I’ve always prided myself on being able to share matters of the heart in this space, no matter how hard. But this time feels different. On one hand it feels too raw and real and on the other, it’s as if I’m peeking through the looking glass at something so strange that it can’t possibly be.matters of the heartPete and I recently ended our relationship after 6 years, and right now every ounce of my soul hurts. Self-inflicted heartbreak will do that to you, I suppose.

I stood in the shower early last week, hot water pouring from the spout, and watched as my loofah unraveled in my hands. I actually said out loud, “this is such a cruel metaphor for my life.” At least right now, that’s how it feels.

Pete is the most amazing human being and I care about him so insanely much. He’s always been my safe place and my sounding board – my best friend in every sense of the word.

This is going to be a tremendous adjustment for the both of us. Just the other day Pete reminded me that I’ve always done things solo, he’s just been there to guide me when I need a little extra help.

So perhaps this is the strongest form of love. A love you can let go so you can both find yourselves in a better place. A love that won’t allow you to stay stagnant in your comfort zone when you feel the need for change. A love where you can move forward and embrace growth, even if that means doing so separately.

The decision to end our engagement was rooted in self-awareness and for that I am so fiercely proud. I’m proud of us for being mature and respectful, even though I feel broken, flawed, and slightly crazy in my own skin right now. Some people live their whole lives going through the motions, but we’ve made the decision not to succumb to that and we’re going to be better people for it in the end.

Around this time last year, I meditated on the growth I wanted to experience in 2016, I just didn’t expect to grow in this type of way.

I came across this excerpt from Jeanette Winterson’s book Gut Symmetries a while back and it gave me a little sliver of hope.

“Do you fall in love often?”

“Yes, often. With a view, a book, with a dog, a cat, with numbers, with friends,
with complete strangers, with nothing at all.”

I will fall in love again.

I love you Pete, you’ve taught me more than I could have ever dreamed about life and most importantly, about myself.

To the rest of you, thank you for listening and understanding, always.

47 comments

47 thoughts on “Matters Of The Heart

  1. Erica

    I’m so sorry Jess. I am proud of you for your self-awareness. As you said, a lot of people just go through the motions of life. I got divorced several years ago and it felt similar to what I imagine your feelings are right now. I was content, but not really, truly happy. Sure, I still have my ups and downs but overall I am happier, in love and have 2 little babies that make me want to be a better person. And my ex-husband and I are still friends that only want the best for each other. From your post, it seems you and Pete want the same.

    Reply
    1. Jess Post author

      Thank you for sharing this with me Erica, it’s encouraging to know I won’t feel like this forever. We really do want the best for each other and I’m so happy that people can see that. I hope 2017 is filled with great things for you ❤️

      Reply
  2. Alyssa

    Wow, I don’t usually comment, but I am going through something similar (breaking up after 3+ years together) and I know how much it hurts. Most people our age haven’t had a relationship that long that ends, so it is hard for them to understand. Sending good vibes to you.

    Reply
    1. Jess Post author

      I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you sharing this with me. I’m so sorry you’re going through the same thing right now. It’s the shittiest timing, isn’t it? Sending those good vibes right back your way, along with lots of hope for a 2017 full of positive change ❤️

      Reply
  3. Mary

    Thanks for sharing, Jess! You will find love again, once you’re ready. Congratulations on a new chapter (and so so sorry for your aching heart).

    Reply
  4. Stacy

    Sending all the good ju-ju to you! I can’t imagine the heart ache you’re feeling, but I know you’re a strong woman that will find what is right for you. Jess, thank you for being open with us readers and letting us help you through this time of change! We’ve got you in our hearts!

    Reply
    1. Jess Post author

      Thank you so much Stacy. I’m so appreciative that I’ve got so many supportive and understanding people in my life, those of you who read my blog included. Here’s to 2017 ❤️

      Reply
  5. Lauren

    The only thing I can think to comment is…that fucking sucks. 🙁 I’m sorry, Jess. Sending you strength and all the good vibes. ❤

    Reply
  6. Jessica

    Thank you for being so open about this. I’m sorry for the both of you and truly hope you’ll grow separately for the better. It’s a difficult time, so I also hope for you to be surrounded by the people who love you and support you no matter what x

    Jessica — NinetyCo 

    Reply
    1. Jess Post author

      I really appreciate your kind words, they mean a lot. Some of my girlfriends are making the 8 hour drive to Chicago right now and I’m so thankful for that.

      Reply
  7. Rachel

    I’m so sorry, Jess. Sometimes writing about it can be therapeutic (which it seems like it might have been for you since you so bravely posted this). If you ever need anything, please reach out.

    Reply
  8. silex in the city

    Goodness, Sending you good vibes and wishes for healing and happiness. Such a bold move for you both, As I opened this post I was hopeful that would not be the contents. I am sure this is completely gut-wrenching. Another person I know had a nearly 4 year relationship end on New Year’s Day. The type of change that shakes things up, but can certainly a change that can also leave one in an exhilarating new place over time. xo.

    Reply
    1. Jess Post author

      Gut-wrenching is a good way to put it. I certainly haven’t been myself over the past few weeks, but I’m working to get there. I really appreciate the heartfelt comment – it means more than you know.

      Reply
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  10. Rachelle

    I’m so sorry Jess this is the worst kind of pain and I’ve been there, TWICE. I know it’s impossible to imagine now, but you will be OK , you will grow and you will be happy again. For now embrace the pain and let it run its course.

    xo
    Pinksole

    Reply
  11. Shirsha | The Good Living Blog

    So sorry to hear this… but can I say, that Pete saying he’s just been there to guide you when you’ve needed a little extra help is the sweetest thing!

    I’m sure you’ll emerge stronger and surer through this whole experience. Wish you a happier, stronger and powerful 2017!

    Reply
    1. Jess Post author

      I’m so glad that comes across through my words 🙂 I think you’re right. Thank you so much for your sweet words, Shirsha! Happy 2017 to you 🙂

      Reply
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  13. Jana

    Hey girl! I’m so sorry to read this, but I know you are a super strong person because you’ve been there for me when I was going through some tough times too! (Grilled Cheese and French Fries are good for the soul!) It is a really amazing thing to be self aware and want the best for one another and just know everything will work out the way it’s suppose to. Sending positive vibes and strength your way! xo Jana

    Reply
    1. Jess Post author

      Thank you so much girlfriend. You’re right, they really are! I’m keeping that in mind this week 🙂 I appreciate you thinking of me! xx

      Reply
  14. Jasmine Diane

    Thank you for your transparency. I can relate to this post whole heartedly. After my last serious relationship ended, I felt like someone ripped a piece of my heart out, yet completely free at the same time. Sometimes the hard things in life make way for the extraordinary things. I hope that you both heel gracefully and find a love that lasts forever.

    Jas | http://www.jasminediane.com

    Reply
    1. Jess Post author

      It’s quite the conundrum, isn’t it? Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I think I’m already finding a love that will last forever, and that’s a love with myself, which isn’t something I’ve ever given much thought to before now. I appreciate your sweet comment so much, Jas! 🙂

      Reply
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    1. Jess Post author

      Thank you, Iris! I am definitely in an entirely different place than I was at the end of last year and I’m incredibly thankful for that 🙂

      Reply
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