I’ve always prided myself on being able to share matters of the heart in this space, no matter how hard. But this time feels different. On one hand it feels too raw and real and on the other, it’s as if I’m peeking through the looking glass at something so strange that it can’t possibly be.Pete and I recently ended our relationship after 6 years, and right now every ounce of my soul hurts. Self-inflicted heartbreak will do that to you, I suppose.
I stood in the shower early last week, hot water pouring from the spout, and watched as my loofah unraveled in my hands. I actually said out loud, “this is such a cruel metaphor for my life.” At least right now, that’s how it feels.
Pete is the most amazing human being and I care about him so insanely much. He’s always been my safe place and my sounding board – my best friend in every sense of the word.
This is going to be a tremendous adjustment for the both of us. Just the other day Pete reminded me that I’ve always done things solo, he’s just been there to guide me when I need a little extra help.
So perhaps this is the strongest form of love. A love you can let go so you can both find yourselves in a better place. A love that won’t allow you to stay stagnant in your comfort zone when you feel the need for change. A love where you can move forward and embrace growth, even if that means doing so separately.
The decision to end our engagement was rooted in self-awareness and for that I am so fiercely proud. I’m proud of us for being mature and respectful, even though I feel broken, flawed, and slightly crazy in my own skin right now. Some people live their whole lives going through the motions, but we’ve made the decision not to succumb to that and we’re going to be better people for it in the end.
Around this time last year, I meditated on the growth I wanted to experience in 2016, I just didn’t expect to grow in this type of way.
I came across this excerpt from Jeanette Winterson’s book Gut Symmetries a while back and it gave me a little sliver of hope.
“Do you fall in love often?”
“Yes, often. With a view, a book, with a dog, a cat, with numbers, with friends,
with complete strangers, with nothing at all.”
I will fall in love again.
I love you Pete, you’ve taught me more than I could have ever dreamed about life and most importantly, about myself.
To the rest of you, thank you for listening and understanding, always.